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Tales from the Teenage Trenches

You think the terrible twos are nerve-wracking? Just wait until your kid hits their teens. Lisa B. shares her story with fellow Plum moms.

My 14 year-old daughter is a hoarder.  I am not sure where it came from because I am the complete OCD opposite, but when the mouse who had been surviving on four years worth of Halloween candy made a home in her UGGs, I decided it was time to go in and take control of the situation.  Armed with black trash bags and Lysol, I went in.

I methodically made my way through her room.  After filling four trash bags full of clothing, trash, and food that was beyond recognizable, I started toward her dresser drawers.  She started going completely crazy, standing in front of them and forbidding me to look inside.  As a mother, your first instinct is fear.  Fear that your teenager has drugs, or other substances in her possession.  I move her aside and force my way into her drawer.

What do I find?  Drugs? Condoms? Inappropriate magazines?  No. I find MY bras — four of them!  Since I have lost track of most of my life since becoming a mother, I chalked four missing bras to just that – I had no idea she would have them.  I look at her with a confused expression and she just shrugs her shoulders and responds: “They don’t fit me anyway.”

I am overwhelmed with more emotions than I have wits to sort out.  I am angry, relieved, and so very humiliated. At 14, my daughter is more buxom than I was or ever will be without silicone.  This is a parenting situation no book can ever prepare you for!

I stand up and try to appear taller than her, grab my bras, and say, “Nothing about this is okay.  We do not share underwear.  We will go shopping and buy you bras that fit.”

I then retreat out of her room and think to myself, “Thank goodness it was just bras. I wonder how much a boob job costs?”

Lisa B. is a district consultant in Marin, San Francisco, who has been working for Plum District for almost two years.  She is mother to Mia (14), Kyra (11), and Wyatt (8), and has been married to her husband Kent for 16 years.